Visibly concerned: JobsJust days after Apple admitted that for years its phones had been exaggerating signal strength, the company again broke potentially damaging news in a second holiday-weekend press conference, when fewer Americans are paying attention. According to Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs said, the latest problem is an additional bug in the iPhone software, which he promised to fix soon.
“Despite our claims,” Jobs said, “the iPhone will not reliably make you invisible, no matter how many bars you see on the screen to indicate your own transparency. But we’re working to correct this problem.”
“This is highly inconvenient for me, since I just stole a blouse from Target,” said one iPhone customer when reached for comment. Arlene Rutherford, a Denver housewife and mother of two, told reporters, “I mean, it’s bad enough with all the security cameras around these days. But if I can’t trust the Apple brand, what will I do? There’s no reason to live anymore.”
Austin iPhone customer Bubba Pyle says he began to suspect that Apple iNviz™ software had a problem the third or fourth time he was arrested for allegedly breaking into the Pi Beta Phi sorority house after midnight.
Officials at the University of Texas at Austin informed him that iPhone iNviz™ technology actually makes it easier to keep him under constant surveillance, Pyle said, by tracking his every move and reporting him, depending on the circumstances, to campus police, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, or “The Mother Ship,” a little-known consumer-research organization based in Cupertino, CA.
At first, Pyle disregarded the warnings, he told reporters in a prepared statement. But now, “My parents are going to totally wail on my ass.”
“We realize that some customers may have purchased iPhones with the expectation of certain enhanced features,” Jobs said in a satellite press conference. “These include invisibility, increased sexual stamina, imperviousness to nuclear attack, and cleaner, fresher breath. We stand by our claims: the iPhone can do all these things. And it will, some day. We just need to fine-tune, which means that customers themselves may need to pitch in a little bit, whether by eating more oysters, brushing regularly between meals, or wearing tinfoil hats.
“In the meantime,” Jobs continued, “we’re still compatible with lots of really cool apps. Everybody likes apps, right?”
Reached for comment at MorinIcorp Headquarters in Dallas, rival tech CEO Anna Morini admitted that her product, the morinIphone, does not provide reliable customer invisibility, either.
“However,” Morini said, “our product itself is invisible. You can claim to have any special feature you can imagine on your morinIphone, and who’s going to tell you you’re lying? It’s not as if they can check. And at only $5,000 per unit, the morinIphone is a steal.”
Also visible: A French iPhone
“Despite our claims,” Jobs said, “the iPhone will not reliably make you invisible, no matter how many bars you see on the screen to indicate your own transparency. But we’re working to correct this problem.”
“This is highly inconvenient for me, since I just stole a blouse from Target,” said one iPhone customer when reached for comment. Arlene Rutherford, a Denver housewife and mother of two, told reporters, “I mean, it’s bad enough with all the security cameras around these days. But if I can’t trust the Apple brand, what will I do? There’s no reason to live anymore.”
Austin iPhone customer Bubba Pyle says he began to suspect that Apple iNviz™ software had a problem the third or fourth time he was arrested for allegedly breaking into the Pi Beta Phi sorority house after midnight.Officials at the University of Texas at Austin informed him that iPhone iNviz™ technology actually makes it easier to keep him under constant surveillance, Pyle said, by tracking his every move and reporting him, depending on the circumstances, to campus police, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, or “The Mother Ship,” a little-known consumer-research organization based in Cupertino, CA.
At first, Pyle disregarded the warnings, he told reporters in a prepared statement. But now, “My parents are going to totally wail on my ass.”
“We realize that some customers may have purchased iPhones with the expectation of certain enhanced features,” Jobs said in a satellite press conference. “These include invisibility, increased sexual stamina, imperviousness to nuclear attack, and cleaner, fresher breath. We stand by our claims: the iPhone can do all these things. And it will, some day. We just need to fine-tune, which means that customers themselves may need to pitch in a little bit, whether by eating more oysters, brushing regularly between meals, or wearing tinfoil hats.“In the meantime,” Jobs continued, “we’re still compatible with lots of really cool apps. Everybody likes apps, right?”
Reached for comment at MorinIcorp Headquarters in Dallas, rival tech CEO Anna Morini admitted that her product, the morinIphone, does not provide reliable customer invisibility, either.
“However,” Morini said, “our product itself is invisible. You can claim to have any special feature you can imagine on your morinIphone, and who’s going to tell you you’re lying? It’s not as if they can check. And at only $5,000 per unit, the morinIphone is a steal.”
Also visible: A French iPhone
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