29 May 2011

Perry May Run for President

Why should Steven Tyler have all the fun?

According to this guy I overheard in a bar last night, rock musician Joe Perry is considering a run for the Presidency of the United States. Now, this guy and his friends in the bar seemed to think that the potential candidacy was just a big joke, “the stupidest idea I ever heard,” according to one of them. But the more I think about it, the more sense it makes to me.

True, Perry, lead guitarist for the band Aerosmith, has no political experience, and although he’s earned a lot of money from his music, I don’t think you could exactly say he’s got business experience, either. But he’s had other kinds of experience that could be valuable in the White House during these trying times.

For example, you know that Joe Perry wouldn’t get us into unnecessary military conflicts, in which our young men and women might be put in harm’s way, because those are the people who buy his record albums, and Joe Perry is going to look out for them. And you know he could negotiate a lasting peace in the Middle East: all he has to do is get the opposing sides together and tell them to “Walk This Way.”

Speaking of which, Perry’s work with Run DMC shows that he could reach out to Americans of all racial and ethnic backgrounds. One of his other songs is “Eat the Rich,” so you know he has special sympathy for the working class, schoolteachers, and others who are having a hard time these days. Perry isn’t beholden to corporate fat cats.

Perry has good hair, too, which is important when you’re a politician trying to make a good first impression.

Now these guys in the bar said Perry has an “appalling” record on women’s issues and gay rights — but if you ask me, “Dude Looks Like a Lady” is a great record and maybe Perry’s political philosophy is just a little too nuanced and sophisticated for some people. I’m not sure where he stands on gun control, because I don’t really remember the lyrics to “Janie’s Got a Gun,” but I’m sure Perry will clarify his position over time.

Let’s not forget that one of America’s most fondly remembered Presidents, Ronald Reagan, was originally an actor, not a politician, and that George W. Bush went to prep school in New England and had substance-abuse problems that he overcame, much like Joe Perry. Perry could reassure Republican voters that he has a lot in common with his predecessors and that he would be a worthy steward of the Reagan–Bush legacy. Also, according to Wikipedia, Perry is of Portuguese–Italian descent, and it’s about time that fine community had representation in the White House.

Ultimately, we shouldn’t forget that America needs leadership right now, and Perry does after all play lead guitar. Granted, Perry is an unconventional choice for President, but there are worse people you could pick. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. I would encourage him to think seriously about a candidacy and — sorry, what did you just say?

Wait — you mean they were talking about Texas Governor Rick Perry?

He’s the one who may run for President?

You have got to be f***ing kidding me.

If he wins, can I secede?

1 comment:

Poetry of the Day said...

wow, i feel like i might like the outcome of this
William Shakespear | Poetry