02 May 2011

Will Work for Opera Tickets

Greetings, Mr. and/or Ms. American Employer!

Have you ever stopped to consider the advantages of hiring a Bill Madison™? Now, for a limited time only, the authentic Bill Madison™ is available in your country, ready and eager to work for you, by doing all those things that only the official Bill Madison™ can do!

Make all your business correspondence grammatically flawless!
Just imagine the prospective client who seals the deal by saying, “Frankly, your product is crap and I find you personally repellent. But your masterful use of the subjunctive mood won me over. I look forward to doing business with you.” The patented Bill Madison™ taught English composition to undergraduates at Columbia University for a full year, so obviously he knows everything.

Pep up Power Point presentations with Proust!
That’s right: any presentation can be made smarter and classier with just a few allusions to the esteemed author of A la recherche du temps perdu. The deluxe model Bill Madison™ has read the whole thing!

Bill Madison™ loves to commute —
all the way to France and back, if necessary!

Enliven your lunches with lapin!
No more boring three-martini business lunches for you, Mr. and/or Ms. American Employer! Not when the authentic Bill Madison™ is on hand, ready to serve you any one of his many acclaimed recipes for rabbit and other exciting dishes that most Americans would sooner die than eat! Your clients and colleagues will be amazed by your sophistication and courage!

Experience: The Difference!
As one of my former employers, Teresa Stratas, once said to me, “Honey, we’re not getting older: we’re fine-tuning!” Because Bill Madison™ is middle-aged, he’s already resolved many of the kinds of personal and professional conflicts that younger employees are still struggling with — wasting valuable time that they could be devoting to you. For instance, it’s been years since Bill Madison™ gave a second thought to his virginity, and I’m safe in saying that at no time will such concerns prevent Bill Madison™ from checking to see whether the printer cartridge needs to be replaced.

BONUS: Hire Bill Madison™, and he’ll start off countless conversations with attention-grabbing phrases such as “As Teresa Stratas once said to me.” Not an opera buff? No problem! Bill can also make personal reference to powerful world leaders such as Nelson Mandela, Fidel Castro, and Lauren Bacall.

Complex modern office technology is a breeze for Bill Madison™!

Meet International Challenges Like a Native Speaker!
Today’s global, information-based economy demands an ever- increasing level of linguistic ability. Not only does Bill Madison™ have a smattering of several European languages, he’s also completely fluent in one of the most obscure North American tongues, Ratherisms. That’s right: after working at CBS News for 12 years, Bill Madison™ can ride a short horse through tall timber, with his shirttail on fire and the bill collector at the door, and when he gets home, he’ll put himself to bed wet. You can bet the baby’s milk money on it, even if you’re not quite sure what it means.

Seriously, folks, I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to make you give me a paycheck! So don’t delay — make me an offer today!


Kara said...

So, is there a limited edition Bill Madison™ to go along with the deluxe version? How about an economy Bill Madison™ for those of us who so wish we could afford one but can't quite make the down payment?

Anonymous said...

Things really aren't so dire, you know. There are companies in Manhattan that are eager to hire French-English translators, interpreters, and proofreaders.

-- Rick

William V. Madison said...

Rick -- I'd be deeply grateful to you if you'd tell me which companies those are!

William V. Madison said...

Kara -- Perhaps you would consider the special Rent-to-Own Bill Madison™.

Anonymous said...

I can't make any promises but it's worth a shot...

-- Rick


William V. Madison said...

Merci beaucoup!

Anonymous said...

De rien.

-- Rick

Anne said...

Is a Bill Madison™ action figure in the works? I want the whole set: writer, opera buff, world traveler, cook, raconteur, and most wanted: reader, with tiny versions of your favorite books

William V. Madison said...

Aw, shucks, Anne, if I can just get back to my pre-France fighting form, you can take a Taylor Lautner action figure, grey up the hair, and give him teeny-tiny eyeglasses, to get the right effect.