My Controversial Re-Gaying Therapy, Explained

The view from the closet: Just a few of the thousands of Americans
who could stand to be a bit gayer, if you ask me.
New York’s Pride 2011, seen from upstairs at the Stonewall Inn.
Photo by WVM

Now that my fiancé, James Franco, is running for President of the United States, there have been a lot of rumors about me, about my beliefs, and about the important work that I do in my Christian-based counseling center. Perhaps most distressing to me personally are the vicious rumors to the effect that I may be engaged in the controversial practice of “re-gay therapy,” in conjunction with the larger “re-gay movement.” Some people even have the audacity to claim that I accept federal funds for my counseling work.

These rumors must stop immediately. They cause unspeakable pain to me and my family, and they are highly damaging to my professional reputation. These rumors must cease — and be recognized as fact.

Surprisingly good for you: Marcus and Michele Bachmann,
two Americans who need to be much, much gayer.

When we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that far too many Americans are simply not gay enough. Since we all know that being gay is a choice, we know that we can — we must — choose to be even gayer. And make no mistake: I’m doing the Lord’s work here. Just take a look at the only Scripture in which the word “gay” is used:

And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place …

James 2:3*

This couple has achieved great results,
just by lip-synching numbers from Evita.

Unfortunately, there are some pretty gay Americans whose clothing isn’t gay at all. You’d pass them on the street and never even know they were gay! You’d think they were accountants, farmers, preachers, soldiers, or husbands of Republican candidates for the Presidency.

Now, how are the rest of us supposed to respect a man who doesn’t wear the gay clothing? Or one who doesn’t know how to accessorize?

A typical room at my federally funded clinic:
If you’re not absolutely dying to redecorate this space, then you probably need to re-gay.

My methods are quite simple, really, relying on time-tested techniques that usually work, I think.** Give a man a Lady Gaga album and a couple of yards of organza, and the miracles commence. For truly intransigent cases, however, I run an internment camp, where interns are taught to camp.

Most re-gays don’t require such extreme therapies, however. They understand that, like so many politicians and preachers before them, they can choose to be gay — or gayer — at any time. The possibilities are endless: in a public restroom, in a bar, in a hotel room with a rent-boy. But whether you choose to be gay or you choose to be Christian — or both — the first step is always the same: Get on your knees and pray for it. Ah, men!

I underscore that there’s nothing hateful about my work. On the contrary, I love the re-gays, as often as possible.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to clear the record. I hope you’ll support Jib-Jib’s candidacy, even though he’s not yet old enough to take office — after all, a campaign will give him something to do. Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop, don’t you know. And above all, I hope you’ll join my campaign to make America a gayer place, with respect and a good place to sit for all.

One intern’s successful redesign.
Photo by WVM

*NOTE: Italics mine. Even though King James was gay, his Version could stand to be a little gayer, and everybody knows that italics are the glitter and marabou of good English prose.

**Not counting those patients shot while trying to escape.