04 July 2013

Your Constant Gaying Is Really Starting to Hurt My Feelings

An Open Letter to Homosexuals:

Oh, sure, you’ve had a lot to celebrate recently. Two United States Supreme Court decisions made it easier in some places for you to exercise your so-called “right” to marry and to violate the laws of G*d and nature. You’ve been on a partying binge ever since, gaying in the streets and all over the television and Internet, right there where everybody can see you. But did you ever stop to consider my feelings?

How do you think it makes me feel, every time another commentator tells me I’m “on the wrong side of history”? Or suggests that I’m some kind of a bigot — just because I believe you’re not my equal? Do you think I like being called “a square”?

Okay, granted, nobody has actually called me a square. But I can tell they’re thinking it, which is just as bad. It’s gotten to the point that I have to isolate myself from the news and any information and people that don’t conform entirely to what I already believe. Why, oh, why can’t you show me the same courtesy and tolerance that you demand for yourselves?

You all think that I have no sympathy for a little old lady who devoted most of her life to loving and caring for her so-called “partner.” And I don’t, actually, but there’s no reason for you to go around thinking about it.

After all, if I were a member of some kind of heathen minority, you’d be among the very first to stick up for my rights to believe in a deity who denies love. Admit it! If I believed in a G*d so puny and narrow that He can’t even write poetry and means for us to take Him literally when He says He created the world in six days — then you’d have my back, wouldn’t you? And not in that gaying way.

Why can’t you respect my respect for tradition? Marriage has always meant one man and one woman, and since the days of Adam and Eve, it has been practiced for the sole and exclusive purpose of procreation. It’s not as if marriage ever included one man and several women, or one nun and Jesus; it’s not as if it’s ever practiced by men and women who can’t or don’t want to have children.

For mercy’s sakes, if homosexual relationships had ever been celebrated by early Christians or Ancient Greeks, or Native Americans, or any other society in history — then things might be different.

And don’t go telling me that homosexual behavior is found in hundreds of other species. How many of those other species are going to sit at the right hand of G*d in the afterlife? I’m talking about natural law, thank you very much.

At least he understands how I feel!

Well, if I’m lucky, then Justice Scalia’s son is right, and homosexuality doesn’t even exist: it’s just some sinful idea you won’t let go of without months of re-programming. But then I see you again on TV, gaying away just as if homosexuality did exist. And so you ruin my day all over again.

You just keep on gaying. I’ve tried to explain to you before that Jesus won’t come back unless we’re all free of gaying sins. Why can’t you respect the reality that Jesus will come back in my lifetime, as opposed to any point in the previous 2,000 years or any point thereafter?

You can’t imagine what it feels like to be oppressed by a supernatural force that resides only in the minds of other people.

It’s all making me feel just terrible, and not one of you stops to say you’re sorry. No, you just keep on gaying. Fortunately, in most states in the Union, your unnatural “right” to marriage is still constitutionally banned, and I still have the G*d-given right to deny you housing and employment. And in many places, I can still bully you, beat you up, or kill you without anybody ever once whining, “That’s a hate crime.”

Hate crime. Such ugly, ugly words. Really, you should be ashamed of yourselves for being so inconsiderate toward my feelings.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Apparently I’m not the only one experiencing layout problems with Blogger these days; that’s why all the photos look huge, no matter what I do. But perhaps the gigantic images of gaying will help you to appreciate the enormity of this problem.

No comments: