20 April 2008

All-Purpose Spam

I typically receive so many spam messages on so many subjects that I’ve often thought it a great shame that the senders can’t manage to cover more than one subject at a time: a little imagination on the authors’ part might lead to streamlined communication. You can imagine my delight, then, when I received the following message. This is a step in the right direction!

Dear Mr. or Mrs. wvm@wvm.net:

Permit me to introduce myself. I am Adelaide wvm, and I believe we may be related to one another through the family of my late husband, the Rev. Dr. Lucius wvm, rector of Our Lady of the Savannah Veldt Anglican Church and personal chaplain to our country’s very ruthless dictator, Eric Ungabunga Katunga, here in the well-known celebrated African nation of Republic of Poontango.

As you know, President Katunga was overthrown in a violent coup three weeks ago. I am sure it is reported in all the headlines of your North American newspapers and the CNN. For many years President Katunga had pilfered the coffers of the Poontango citizenship, amassing a great personal fortune. The Poontango citizenship, knowing of close bounds between the bloodthirsty dictator and his chaplain, wrongly believed that my husband had gained possession of the President’s bank-account information in a secret location in a neutral allied European nation of Switzerland. I regret to inform you that your cousin, Dr. Lucius wvm was therefore seized and innocently executed.

Your cousin’s last words to me before his shocking untimely death were, “Find my relatives in North America. Contact my cousin, wvm@wvm.net, and enlist his aid in transferring my private funds out of their secret location in the Switzerland, so that you will be able to flee Poontango with our thirteen children, all of whom are named after wvm personally as you know. Be sure to offer him a full 20 percent of the estimated 5 billions dollars value of my personal fortune, which as you know was obtained legally through the sale of top-quality pharmaceuticals by mail from the Canada. And be sure tell him that if he acts now, you will offer, at no further obligation, the secret to penis enhancement without plastic surgery.” Then, with the sigh, he dead in my arms.

At first I did not know how to find you, but when I read in the Poontangoville Times-Herald that you are the winner by forfeit of the national Netherlands Lottery in the amount of over 2.2 Million Euros, I contact you immediately. As a widow still in her prime of the life, and considered nubile and Eastern European by her many admirers, I find it instinctive to reach out to you, and I remind you that we are cousins only by marriage.

I have spoken with our family solicitor and dogsbody in London, who informs me that transfer of funds cannot be made to me directly, because the Revolutionary People’s Guard Army of Poontango is watching my every move. Although like all nubile Eastern European girls, I do like to be watched and I do have the special webcam set up for this purpose, this is different kind of watching. My life is in the jeopardy.

However, if you will simply relay to me the necessary information for your bank account, including your Social Security Number, date of the birth, and mother’s maiden name, then my late husband’s moneys, as well as your full and complete Internal Revenue Service refund of 2006 can be wired electronically to the deposit in your account, at the famous and respected First Bank of Oregon Credit Union. I would be most pleased for then to come to America, where, you give me the remaining moneys, after first deducing the aforementioned 20 percent as compensation for your travail.

There is no risk whatever to you in the legality of this perfectly transaction, that goes on of this type everyday. I, Adelaide wvm, give you my assurances as well that your personal account data will not be tampered, neither will I refinance the mortgage on your second home at low, low rates without your express permission by the e-mail, which as you know is completely secure and cannot be viewed by strangers without your knowledge, no matter how often they attempt to input fraudulent login from abroad to your respectable MasterCard account.

Please do not delay. Time is of essence, and every minutes count. Besides the jeopardy I have stated previously above, I am without a man for many weeks now. As a result, I am extremely horny but I refuse to engage even in the girl-on-girl action under my celebrated stage name of Milfa Sluttski until such time as I am relocated to North America and can begin to seek a trustworthy husband who will pleasure me all night with non-surgically enhanced girth and longueur, which will be necessary because as stated above my late husband your cousin Lucius wvm was a black man of the African varieties.

So please hurry. I am waiting to hear from you NOW.

ADELAIDE wvm, MRS. LUCIUS (deceased)