12 April 2008

An Open Letter to Laura Bush

Dear Mrs. Bush:

You are, by all accounts and the evidence of my own experience, a kind, thoughtful woman. Your husband, meanwhile, is on the verge of opening a third front in his so-called War on Terror. Almost everything he does these days (apart from the song-and-dance routines) signals that he is getting ready to attack Iran, though as you must realize, he hasn’t finished the job in Afghanistan or in Iraq.

It’s a distressing possibility, and most of us feel like helpless bystanders (because we are), while the President plows relentlessly into another open-ended military conflict. You’re in a different position, however. You can help, perhaps even stop him. The fate of the United States is within your grasp, if you’ll just do one thing.

Mrs. Bush, please stop making fun of your husband’s penis.

You are, as I say, a very nice lady. You probably don’t even realize what you’re doing. Maybe you’ve given your husband’s penis a pet name. To you, it’s cute. To him, it’s belittling. Therefore, he’s got to go out and prove his manhood, again and again and again.

There’s really no other plausible explanation for his behavior. According to psychologists, most little boys experience significant trauma when they see their fathers naked. “His is so much bigger — why is mine so little?” Although most men outgrow the trauma, and although by now your husband’s penis is probably as big as his father’s (ask Condi), perhaps even as big as his mother’s, it seems certain that your husband never got over the early-childhood shock. He continues to need significant reassurance in this regard. Reassurance that you can provide — and clearly don’t.

Please begin immediately to practice saying things like, “Oh, Daddy!” “It’s so big! I can’t take any more!” and “Are you sure you’re not Italian?” Try out these phrases when you’re alone with your husband — or better yet, try them out when you’re in public. Tell the world what a stud he is. He may blush and appear uncomfortable, but deep down, he’s loving every minute.

Angela Merkel shows you how it’s done.

I realize that you like to keep your private life private, that you’re polite, that you don’t like to lie. But there’s so much at stake here.

Because once you’ve reassured your husband that he’s man enough, you’ll be able to move on to the next phase: persuading him that, sometimes, it’s a good idea to pull out.

Thank you for your time.