26 August 2011

Hurricane Irene Prompts Unprecedented C.H.U.D.-Related Evacuations in New York

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg,
at his press conference today.

NEW YORK CITY -- Mayor Michael Bloomberg this afternoon issued an unprecedented order for the evacuation of about 250,000 residents of low-lying areas, warning that Hurricane Irene-related flooding could drive thousands of C.H.U.D.s into the streets and pose such a threat that living people there simply had to get out.

This could be the worst attack since 2004, the Mayor’s Office warned, when swarms of C.H.U.D.s, or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, disguised themselves as tranny hookers at the Port Authority Bus Terminal and devoured an undisclosed number of delegates to the Republican National Convention in late August and early September of that year.

A representative of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission present at the Mayor’s press conference declined to provide an estimate of the number of C.H.U.D.s currently living in New York’s sewers and subway tunnels.

New York City officials made what they said was another first-of-its-kind decision, announcing plans to shut down the city’s entire transit system on Saturday — all 468 subway stations and 840 miles of tracks — due to the increased risk of C.H.U.D. attacks.

A typical Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller [File Photo]

Even in higher-lying areas, New Yorkers were advised to avoid manhole covers, basements, all plumbing fixtures, and the new remake of Conan the Barbarian, “which is just terrible,” Mayor Bloomberg said. Dog runs and playgrounds in the city’s parks will be closed, as well, due to the C.H.U.D.s’ taste for small animals and children.

The latest forecast has Irene beginning to hit New York early Sunday, and making landfall around eastern Queens as a Category 1 hurricane, with the expected C.H.U.D. invasion to begin sometime around noon, and not expected to end until the middle of next week, at the earliest.

“I urge all New Yorkers to take this situation seriously,” Bloomberg said, adding, “Oh, my God, they’re coming! Run for your lives! For the love of God, save yourselves!”

Evacuation Map [Detail]
Orange Areas (Zone A):
You’re doomed.
Yellow Areas (Zone B): You may as well start slathering yourself with barbecue sauce right now.
Green Areas (Zone C): Whatever you do, don’t use the toilet.
White Areas (Zone D): This would be a very good time to visit friends in Wyoming — start running.

[Courtesy of New York City Mayor’s Office]

UPDATE: For the benefit of Spanish-speaking New Yorkers, Mayor Bloomberg has released the following warning: “¡Cuidado con los H.A.S. — Humanoides Antropófagos Subterráneos! Muchas gracias, por favor.”

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