24 August 2011

Perry Finds Sermon on the Mount ‘Interesting’ but Objects to ‘Gaps’

CORNBRIDGE, IOWA -- Texas Governor Rick Perry accidentally read the Sermon on the Mount yesterday, the candidate for the Republican nomination for the Presidency told reporters, when the Bible he keeps under his pillow fell open to the Book of Matthew. The Sermon is “interesting,” Perry said, “but it’s got some gaps in it. I don’t know the guy who wrote it, but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas, if he ever came there.”

Among the “gaps” Perry cited are the Sermon’s omission from the Beatitudes of blessings for the energy industry, the wealthy, and the powerful. “All this stuff about the meek and the persecuted, and loving your enemies, that’s just crazy talk,” Perry said. “Warren Beatty-tudes, that’s what they ought to call them, a lot of left-wing Hollywood bullfeathers. And there’s nothing about cutting basic public services — not one word. That’s not the way I pray.”

With regard to prayer, Perry said he found Matthew 6:5 and the following verses particularly objectionable. “I’m a big believer in praying on the street corner, in auditoriums, in sporting arenas, in science classes, in any place where God and the voters can really see how devout I am,” Perry said. “Instead, this guy is telling me to pray in a closet. Let me make this clear: there’s nothing in the closet about me. I’m a 100 percent he-man Christian hombre.”

Perry to Foreign Jewish Rabble-Rouser:
“Don’t mess with Texas.”

Perry did say he approved of Matthew 6:25 and the following verses, since he himself has been encouraging Texans not to worry about what, or whether, they’re going to eat, ever since he took office as Governor: “God will give you what you need, stop worrying about it. The government’s not going to give you what you need. That’s God’s job. You want food? You want schoolbooks? Ask God! That’s sound policy.”

Overall, Perry said, “What’s this thing even doing in the Bible? I can’t endorse any sermon with this many gaps in it. I like things with zaps in them, like Creationism: Zap! There’s light! Zap! There’s trees! Zap! There’s Adam and Eve!”

Perry, who earned an undergraduate degree in Animal Science at Texas A&M, added, “You take Darwin’s theory of evolution, and it’s got too many gaps and not enough zaps. It’s just a zapless theory that’s out there.”

Perry declined to take further questions from reporters, explaining that he had to get back to executing innocent people. “It’s the Lord’s work, when you think about it,” Perry said. “I’m just out there making new Jesuses every chance I get. Shoot, some of ’em are even named Jesus. That’s how good a Christian I am.”

“God bless America, y’all,” Perry concluded, “and here’s hoping He answers that prayer a little quicker than He answered my prayers to end the drought and the economic crisis. Amen.”

1 comment:

ava said...

This made me want to both laugh and cry. Sweet smoking Jesus, if he is elected president, I will be speaking to you of your ex-pat experience, in hopes of becoming one myself.