27 August 2011

James Franco Could Break Up Street Fights, Too, If He Had More Spare Time

“Hey, you there! Stop fighting! Okay, cool, thanks.”
See what I mean?

Everybody’s been talking about the actor Ryan Gosling, who apparently broke up a street fight in Manhattan the other day. Somebody recorded the whole thing on a cell phone, or something. Well, big deal! James Franco could break up lots of street fights! And fights that were a lot bigger than Ryan Gosling’s street fight, too! Like, with maybe hundreds of guys fighting, in different streets, even!

He wouldn’t even have to say a word to the people who were fighting, he could probably just look at them, deep in the eyes, and then smile in that way he has, and they’d stop fighting, just like that! Because, really, who could resist Jib-Jib?

It’s just that he doesn’t have enough time to go around looking for trouble. I mean, if he doesn’t have time to marry me, or even to acknowledge my existence, how do you expect him to go around playing superhero, like that poser Gosling?

Serious Poser: What’s going on with Gosling’s pant legs?
Jib-Jib would never be seen in public like that.

And what’s so great about Ryan Gosling, anyway? It’s not as if he negotiated peace in the Middle East, or anything, which Jib-Jib totally will do, one of these days, when he gets around to it. Face it — Gosling’s a lightweight!

No, sir, Ryan Gosling is not out there, earning multiple graduate degrees, recording music, teaching classes, doing performance art, writing fiction, starring in and directing and producing movies, toying with my heart, earning merit badges in basketry and farm mechanics, and getting his name in the magazine columns every single day.

Oh, no. Ryan Gosling is just an actor. An actor. A person whose job description consists of one single word. That’s Ryan Gosling for you. Feh.

And I’ll bet those deltoids were photoshopped. Just saying.

See? Jib-Jib knows how to work a tanktop, too!
It’s just that he’s so busy!
(Moreover, his shoulders are real.)
(Probably. I’ve never actually seen them in person.)

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