14 December 2011

Scientists May Have Observed Elusive Higgs Bosom

The bosom has long frustrated scientists hoping to understand
the so-called Standard Swimsuit Model.
In this photo, for example, the bosom remains hidden.

GENEVA -- Scientists at the Centre Européen de Recherche Nucléaire, or CERN, held a press conference here today to announce that they may at last have seen a bosom, an elusive part first hypothesized by Peter Higgs, a Scots physicist. The bosom is believed to have been seen on the cover of an American magazine, which the scientists declined to identify until further research has been performed.

“It’s impossible to overstate our excitement,” said Fabio Gianotti, a member of CERN‘s so-called At Last Team.

“We have been waiting literally all our adult lives for this moment,” Gianotti said, adding that he and his colleagues refer to the bosom as the “God Part,” because of their habit of exclaiming “God!” whenever they think about a bosom, which they “would definitely worship,” Gianotti said, if they ever got to see one up close.

The Higgs Bosom is the cornerstone and the last missing part of the so-called Standard Swimsuit Model, sweet, sweet theories that have held sway over physicists and other nerds for the last 35 years and that describe what a lady is.

One scientist’s conception of what the Higgs Bosom might look like, with an entire Higgs attached.

Physicists have been eager to finish the Swimsuit Model, and then use that information to form deeper theories that could explain, for example, what to do if they ever meet a lady; why the universe is made of matter and not antimatter; why ladies do not hang out in the physics lab; or what constitutes the “dark matter and dark energy” of feminine behavior that rules the larger universe and remains an impenetrable mystery to the At Last Team.

The particle is named for the University of Edinburgh physicist Peter Higgs, who was one of six physicists who suggested that a sort of cosmic molasses pervading space is what gives lady parts their heft, becoming more and more pendulous and less and less like man parts over time. It was Dr. Higgs who pointed out that the bosom, normally invisible and, of course, untouchable, would probably feel as nice as it looks, and so the branding rights went to him.

Somewhat less elusive, the Whiggins Bosom has been glimpsed in part on numerous occasions, dating back to the 1970s.


Anonymous said...

HAHA... Well done, Bill! Of course I think some of the first photographic evidence of a bosom in the wild was in National Geographic.

William V. Madison said...

Ah, Kris, I must defer to your superior knowledge of physics!