20 December 2011

Kindly Angel Helps NYU Professor Repent for Giving James Franco a ‘D’

Santana (center) at the press conference, with members of his family.

NEW YORK CITY -- A contrite José Angel Santana should never have given actor James Franco a “D” in his graduate course, the former New York University professor told reporters today, saying, “I never realized the mistake I was making, the consequences that my thoughtless behavior might have for millions of moviegoers and the people who read New York Magazine.” Santana has alleged in a lawsuit that he was fired by NYU in retaliation for Franco’s low grade.

According to Santana, he was visited during the night of December 18 by a guardian angel (second class) named Clarence Oddbody, who told him, “You’ve been given a great gift, José: a chance to live on the same planet as James Franco.”

Santana with his guardian angel, Clarence Oddbody (left).

Oddbody went on to show Santana what the world would be like if James Franco didn’t get straight “A”s in all of his many graduate programs, and if he were, instead, an ordinary actor who made ordinary movies like Annapolis and Eat Pray Love instead of Howl and The Broken Tower.

“Even my hometown of Bedford Falls became a nightmare vision of cruelty and self-interest, all because of what I’d done to James Franco,” Santana said. “Still, I didn’t hit rock-bottom until I saw lovely Mary Bailey, who’s a hardworking reporter for New York Magazine. Without James Franco to write about, she would be a lonely, repressed spinster librarian. Actually handling books! She even wore eyeglasses! Oh, the horror. The horror.”

Big man on campuses

Franco attended only two out of 14 classes in Santana’s one-semester course. The star of such films as Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Pineapple Express, Franco recently became eligible to marry any man in New York State.

Santana has brought a lawsuit against NYU in connection with his firing. He alleges that a tacit reward system operates at the school, whereby professors who give Franco good grades receive acting and directing jobs in Franco’s projects. Beyond this, Santana says, graffiti in the faculty men’s room advertises lavish sexual favors from an unnamed Franco fan who is willing to do anything at all to see his idol succeed.

“But seriously, what was I thinking?” Santana said. “He’s James Freakin’ Franco. He doesn’t need to show up to class — he already knows everything! This is a guy who can make Your Highness and Tristan + Isolde — and still have a career. Really, I ought to be taking lessons from him.”

No Gucci Loafer: Franco is enrolled in several graduate programs, while pursuing his career as an actor, writer, director, producer, artist, model, rapper, and certified public accountant.

At the press conference, Santana was joined by dozens of his closest friends and neighbors, who sang “Auld Lang Syne” with him and gave him the money they’ve been saving for a divorce, if ever they got a husband.

Santana said he was optimistic, and his daughter Zuzu concurred: “Teacher says, ‘Every time a bell rings, José Angel gets his job back.’ Isn’t that right, Daddy?”
UPDATE: NYU registrar Henry F. Potter has told reporters that, because Santana is no longer a member of the faculty, it is now too late for him to change Franco’s grade to an “A.” “Look at Santana!” Potter said. “He used to be so cocky. He was going to go out and conquer the world. He once called me a warped, frustrated, old man! What is he but a warped, frustrated young man? A miserable little professor crawling in here on his hands and knees and begging for help. Well, happy New Year to him — in community college!”


Michael Leddy said...

Great reporting. The hoity-toity Chronicle of Higher Educationaccount of the story can’t hold a candle to this one.

Tinkerbell said...

"Franco is enrolled in several graduate programs, while pursuing his career as an actor, writer, director, producer, artist, model, rapper, and certified public accountant." hilarious!