15 September 2011

Citing ‘Artistic Differences,’ Taylor Lautner’s Abs to Pursue Independent Career

The many moods of America’s favorite eight-pack:
Here, sophistication, wit, and glamour.

HOLLYWOOD -- In a surprise announcement, abdominal muscles have terminated their longtime partnership with actor Taylor Lautner — one of the most successful in recent movie history — in order to pursue independent projects.

“Taylor’s a nice guy, and I don’t regret the work we’ve done together,” the abdominal muscles said in a statement. “But I really feel that now is the time for me to grow as an actor, and unfortunately I don’t see any role for him in my future.”

Sources close to the abdominals say that the muscles grew frustrated with Lautner in recent months, telling friends that “Taylor is really holding me back as an artist.”

Determination and courage.

Hollywood insiders agreed. “Abs should have made this move ages ago,” said one high-profile casting director. “Taylor has been riding their coattails for years now — dragging them down, really. There’s only so much you can do with Taylor. Whereas the abs? Sky’s the limit.”

Lautner could not be reached for comment. Friends describe him as “crushed. This came from out of nowhere. He really feels betrayed.”

Lighthearted romance.

According to the abdominals’ agent, the next project on the calendar will be a comedy — something the muscles have been eager to do, “showing off the remarkable versatility and range of this fine actor,” despite Lautner’s reluctance to stray from action roles.

With Six-Pack You Get Fat-Free, High-Protein, Low-Carb Eggroll is slated to begin production in October.

Anger and a Thirst for Vengeance.
(But what they really want to do is direct.)

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