12 September 2011

In Interview, Bush Remembers 9/11, Years of Dedicated Service to Al Qaeda

In an exclusive interview with TV’s National Geographic Channel, former U.S. President George W. Bush recalls the confusion and concern surrounding the events of September 11, 2001: how he first heard news of the attacks on New York and Washington, how he was initially prevented from returning to the White House, how he learned his family was safe, how he began to plan his course of subsequent action, and how he joined Al-Qaeda.

“A lot of people criticized me when we said, ‘Mission Accomplished’ [in 2003],” Bush conceded as he recalled his terrorist activities. “Well, I never said whose mission it was, did I? I’d just effectively hogtied the United States military and gutted its treasury for years to come. I’d single-handedly turned Iran into a global power — and I was just getting started!”

Bush, who took office in 2001 after a disputed national election, was approached early in his presidency by Al Qaeda agents hoping to include him in a “sleeper cell” that also included former Vice-President Dick Cheney and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Though he was late to join the team, waiting until September 13, 2001, Bush insisted that his leadership made the crucial difference.

Bush, with Cheney, demonstrates the wrong way to throw up one’s hands in surrender. The two men often clashed over how best to serve Al Qaeda’s interests, Bush says.

“I think any objective person can see, when you take a look at my record, that I did more damage to the country — the economy, the infrastructure, our international reputation, the public psyche, lives lost, you name it — than Osama bin Laden ever did,” Bush told the Geographic interviewer. “Shoot, just look at how much of the country’s money I spent to invade Iraq! They’ll be generations paying that off. Osama always paid his bills, but not me.

“Plus, that old softie probably would have tried to rescue some of the poor folks in Hurricane Katrina,” Bush added. “Just stick out a hand and pull ’em out of the water, or something. Well, you’d never see me weakening that way! Death to the infidels! I killed more of ’em than Osama ever dreamed of, I can tell you that much!

“Loo loo loo loo loo loo loo loo loo!” he continued, attempting to ululate. “Still getting the hang of that,” he admitted. “Sorry.”

An Al Qaeda spokesman confirmed that Bush’s actions while in office proved immensely effective when it came to motivating new recruits, and he praised such measures as secret prisons, torture and abuse, and perceived insults to Islam for “drastically altering the playing field. Within a few days, and for the remainder of his term of office, Bush made Al Qaeda look like heroes to much of the rest of the world,” the spokesman said.

Osama, “Not the easiest guy to work for,” Bush says.
“He made my mother look like a pushover.”

However, the spokesman acknowledged, some analysts have determined that Cheney, not Bush, was the more influential operative, “and in the field, we ourselves were never certain.”

Bush remains bitter, he says, that he never received the credit he feels is his due. “Not even a thank-you note from Mister ‘Oh, I’m So Important, I Can’t Be Bothered’ Osama! Not even after I distracted our military in Afghanistan by invading Iraq, which is what gave him the chance to run away to Pakistan and live it up like a king for the rest of his life. Some people have no sense of class, I’m telling you.

“But it’s all right. When I get to Paradise, I know who’s getting the 72 virgins. You’re looking right at him. Just don’t talk to Laura about it, okay?”

As for who deserves the lion’s share of credit, however, “I’m secure,” Bush told the interviewer. “I know history will judge me, and I’m comfortable with that. My record speaks for itself.”

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