22 September 2011

Facebook Unveils New Features

A sample of the “Your Lovers” page layout:
Now you and everyone you ever met will know what became of that girl you slept with and threw over for somebody else, as well as what she says about you right now.

Facebook, the popular social-networking website, is set to unveil “Dateline,” a new kind of Profile page that will automatically reveal what your former dates have been saying about you lately. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, whose date to the junior prom calls him “totally lame” and is currently living in a cardboard box, is expected to announce the new layout and features at a press conference later today.

“In today’s interconnected world,” Zuckerberg told reporters, “it’s no longer enough to be connected to the people you’re connected to. You need to connect all of those people to everyone you ever connected with, even if it was for only one night, or just a few minutes. And now I have the power to make that happen. Bwah ha ha ha ha.”

Starting soon, whenever friends visit your Facebook page, they will see “Your Lovers,” a wide, open space with unique images of anyone you ever slept with, including the ones you can’t remember and the ones you’d rather forget.

Privacy, what’s that? Zuckerberg, pictured, has told reporters
he doesn’t care who knows how many hundreds of women
he has satisfied with his prehensile tongue and 14-inch penis.

Don’t have a picture of that girl you picked up in the bar in Tucson in 1997? No problem. “You don’t need to post these pictures yourself,” Zuckerberg said. “In fact, you can’t — and you can’t take ’em down, either. We do it all for you, whether you want us to or not. We have everything we need — we’ve been monitoring you for a long time.”

As part of the “Your Lovers” feature, Facebook will randomly post surveillance-camera video of your bedroom.

The next new feature is “Your Sizes,” which meticulously reports every fluctuation in your weight for the past 30 years, as well as your bra and/or penis measurements, and what your friends are saying about them.

Designs have not yet been finalized for the “My Sizes” feature, but Zuckerberg says he expects this kind of image will be insufficiently precise for Facebook’s needs.

Scrolling down, visitors, including your mother, will be able to see “Your Craps,” detailed reports on every crap you’ve ever taken, with a chemical analysis linking to the restaurants you like best. “I find that merchants and restaurateurs nationwide have been extremely enthusiastic about this feature,” Zuckerberg said, “once they got over the initial nausea and revulsion.

“It’s an excellent way to track dining trends, make customers aware of special promotions, and determine whether there is in fact using too much cauliflower in the stew,” Zuckerberg concluded.

The final new feature of every one of Facebook’s 750 million users’ dedicated pages (or “Walls,” in Facebook parlance) is “Your Confession,” an interactive feature in which an actor portraying a Catholic priest reveals to visitors everything you’ve ever said in private to anyone, ever.

During the upcoming press conference, Zuckerberg is also expected to reveal that he is Satan.

1 comment:

Lincoln Madison said...

Satan is bad, I suppose, but if he's played by Jesse Eisenberg I'll still swoon....