26 August 2012

Armstrong Death a NASA Hoax, Conspiracy Theorists Say

“One small step for a stuntman, one giant hoax for Hollywood.”
At Disney Studios, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin
rehearse their 1969 “moon landing.”

HOUSTON, TX -- Reports of the death of Neil Armstrong, allegedly the first man to walk on the moon, are one more example of an elaborate, ongoing hoax perpetrated by the U.S. government, the Tri-Lateral Commission, and Hollywood movie studios, leading conspiracy theorists told reporters today.

“He’s not really dead,” said Thomas J. Doubton, president of the Society for Paranoia Investigations. “It was all done on a soundstage, using advanced techniques developed by NASA in coordination with the Disney people. If you just look at the pictures, you will see that Armstrong is very much alive.”

“It’s all part of an attempt to stimulate nostalgia for the so-called space program,” agreed Doubton’s colleague, G. Gordon Curley, pointing out the uncanny coincidence that Armstrong’s death was reported precisely 43 years, one month, and four days after the elaborately staged “moonwalk.”

Costume by Edith Head.

“In reality, President Obama is just trying to intimidate [Russian President] Vladimir Putin,” Curley said, “in order to prevent the Russians from establishing a base of operations on the moon from which they could use their powerful laser cannons to attack North America.” However, Doubton has disputed Curley’s analysis, saying that no nation on earth currently possesses space-flight technology.

Armstrong, a former stuntman in Hollywood “B” pictures, was recruited by the Central Intelligence Agency in 1962 before entering the top-secret “Operation False Lune” program. Wearing costumes designed by Edith Head, Armstrong and the other “astronauts” in the program received extensive dance training from choreographer Hermes Pan, enabling them to look as if they were moving about a low-gravity environment. In reality, conspiracy theorists say, he never left the United States, much less went to the moon.

“We have reason to believe that Armstrong currently resides in Austin,” Doubton said, “where he enjoys horseback riding and gardening.” NASA intends to deploy Armstrong, under an assumed identity, in a top-secret reconnaissance mission to North Korea this year, just prior to the U.S. presidential elections.

“This ‘October Surprise’ will radically alter the outcome of the election,” Curley said. “I’m not free to say more.”

Doubton added that he has been unable to confirm reports that Armstrong was recently stripped of several cycling medals on the grounds that he used rear-projections and computer graphics technology to fake his participation in the Tour de France.

1 comment:

Kris Whelan said...

LOVE it. Funny thing is, after I heard about his death (which truly saddened me) the first thing that came into my head (the "inappropriate humor" part of my brain) was the landing hoax and what conspiracy theorists would say about this news. GMTA I guess. :-) Scary, ain't it?