20 August 2012

Lady Parts Are Magic

By Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO),
Candidate for U.S. Senate,
Guest Columnist

My fellow Americans, I misspoke. As you may know, the other day I was talking with an interviewer about a topic in which I am expert: lady parts. I have made a great study of this subject. I know so much about lady parts — more than any lady I’ve ever met, I hasten to add — that I feel perfectly comfortable telling ladies what to do with their lady parts.

For example, if a lady becomes pregnant due to rape, then she should not be allowed to have an abortion. After all, in a legitimate rape, which is to say a rape that the lady doesn’t actually want to have, then she will not get pregnant, so she doesn’t need an abortion. And if she does get pregnant, then it means that she enjoyed herself, and actually wanted to have the rape, and so she ought to have the baby. It’s that simple.

Some of the greatest medical minds of the 17th, 18th, and 19th centuries are in complete agreement with me on this point. And I am not one of those politicians who disregard science. Far from it! As I told that interviewer, I have it on good authority that a lady’s lady parts can block an unwanted fertilization during an unwanted rape, because lady parts have a well-known magical ability to identify unwanted man parts. It’s also an equally well-known scientific fact that ladies do not get pregnant if they do not experience pleasure in the act of whoopee. You can look this up.

Moreover, we see the evidence every day, because it’s the promiscuous ladies who enjoy the act of whoopee who ask for birth control and abortions and who use their lady parts to control the minds of menfolk. Whereas righteous ladies who do not enjoy whoopee do not need to worry about getting pregnant, and they do not practice witchcraft with their lady parts. Do you see the distinction?

As a matter of principle, I do not feel that this nation should reward witches who abuse the magic of their lady parts. The righteous solution is righteous abstinence, not trifling with the sanctity of human life. If a lady doesn’t want to birth demon spawn, or a goat’s head, or anything of that sort, why then, it’s perfectly simple: she should not experience pleasure when she is forcibly raped.

I could not have more sympathy for ladies who do not enjoy rapes that they did not want. By which I mean that I tried to have more sympathy, but I could not.

Make no mistake, our contemporary society is sliding down a slippery slope, where married ladies accuse their husbands of rape all the time, even though all they’re trying to do is get a bigger divorce settlement. These devilish divorcing women cast a spell on judges and juries, making it so that rape seems like a potentially bad thing, and not the natural practice of submission to a man, as our loving God intended.

There are many other magical things that ladies can do with their lady parts, such as ruining crops, causing hailstorms and earthquakes, and running the U.S. State Department. But I will save that discussion for another day. My real purpose today is just to explain to you what I meant when I said what I said.

When you understand lady parts as well as I do, you will see that there’s no reason for all this fuss. Please remember to vote for me in November. Thank you.

1 comment:

Will said...

The Republican hierarchy and huge numbers of their camp followers, including even the likes of Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh as well as Mitt Romney, are condemning him and urging him not to attend the convention (from the RNC, not attending is more of an order). The immense stupidity and misogyny of the statements Akin made are truly astounding -- and he's on the SCIENCE COMMITTEE!