17 August 2012

Mars Rover Discovers Intelligent Life Forms Are Sick of Hearing about Stewart–Pattinson Breakup Already

The Curiosity rover, shortly before it was bombarded by aliens begging the Earth to change the channel.

HOUSTON -- Scientists at the Johnson Space Center today confirmed that the Curiosity rover, the robotic device currently exploring Gale Crater on Mars, has made contact with intelligent life forms, proving that there is literally no one in the galaxy who hasn’t already heard more than enough about Robert Pattinson’s split with Kristen Stewart.

“We have long believed that extraterrestrial life forms were capable of intercepting, understanding, and monitoring communications from the Earth, especially those in the form of radio waves,” NASA spokesman Zefram Cochrane told reporters. “Curiosity’s contact with sentient life forms supports that hypothesis, while also underscoring the degree to which other life forms are not only fully aware of but also thoroughly fed up with the breakup between the popular Twilight actors.”

Curiosity’s findings suggest that life forms on Mars, as well as other locations in space, have been subjected to a ceaseless onslaught of data about Stewart’s infidelity with married Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders and her subsequent firing from the planned sequel to that film; Pattinson’s departure from the home he shared with Stewart and the refuge he has found with actress Reese Witherspoon; actress–director Jodie Foster’s ringing defense of Stewart; Pattinson’s attempts to publicize his latest film, Cosmopolis, without discussing his personal life; potential ramifications for the forthcoming release of the final installment of the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn: Part II; and the ice cream he shared with The Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart (no relation).

“There is literally nothing that extraterrestrial life forms do not know already about RPatz and that mouth-breathing slut,” Cochrane said. “They are also pretty much doctoral-level experts on Jennifer Aniston’s engagement to Justin Theroux.”

The Curiosity rover is equipped with a mobile scientific laboratory, permitting NASA scientists to analyze Mars’ atmosphere and geology while also transmitting photographic images of the planet’s surface that make excellent screen savers. While the rover is also designed to seek out biosignatures, the chemical building blocks of life, Cochrane confirmed that no one at NASA ever expected extraterrestrials to attempt direct contact with the Curiosity rover, or to be so saturated with the latest gossip from Hollywood.

“We thought they might have heard about Liz and Dick [Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton], stuff from 40 years ago,” Cochrane said, “maybe even the Tom Cruise–Katie Holmes divorce, but nothing like this. It’s as if they’re trapped in TMZ, the poor souls.”

Cochrane went on to explain that increased use of satellite communications on Earth means that transmissions from this planet reach space much faster than was previously believed. The vast majority of these are concerned with how Robert Pattinson can mend his broken heart.

The Pioneer Plaque was designed to give extraterrestrial life forms
a favorable image of Earth.
“Now all they’ll want to know is why Taylor Lautner isn’t in the picture, too,” Cochrane said.

“Personally, I had hoped that the Voyager gold record would be the first thing that other life forms learned about our planet,” Cochrane said. “It might have given them a better impression of our species than billions and billions of reports on the trampy behavior of a relatively uninteresting young actress and her manorexic ex-boyfriend.”

NASA scientists confirmed that unspecified intelligent life forms have threatened to destroy the Earth if humans do not stop talking about Kristen Stewart. “This makes them very, very angry,” Cochrane said. “I urge the people of Earth to change the subject already. The aliens seem to like James Franco; maybe we should talk more about him instead.”

We’re blocking his view of Oz: The Great and Powerful.

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