28 August 2012

GOP Convention Menaced by Giant Metaphor, Analysts Say

TAMPA, FL -- As the Republican National Convention gets underway here in Tampa, analysts report that proceedings have been threatened by a gigantic metaphor looming on the horizon.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” analyst Herman Eutik told reporters. “Seldom if ever has a political event in this country been menaced by a metaphor of this size and density. I have reason to believe the metaphor has the potential to disrupt the entire convention with massive outbursts of exegesis and commentary.”

Analysts disagree whether the metaphor represents divine disapproval of the Republican party platform; the Bush Administration’s failed response to Hurricane Katrina in 2005; the disenchantment of women voters; the End of Times; or the wrathful spirit of author Ayn Rand. Critics have advised conventioneers to remain calm, but convention organizers truncated the schedule of events to allow for gale-force deconstruction that could potentially overwhelm the Gulf of Mexico.

Aides to the Republican candidates, presumptive nominee Mitt Romney and his running mate, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), insist that the metaphor is a reflection of four years of failed Democratic policies in Washington, the prohibitive cost of Obamacare, and “the objective force of our victory in November’s election.”

“This election is about authority, not ideology,” Romney told a rally in Pensacola earlier this week. “It’s my intention to make this country great again.”

UPDATE: The National Semiotic Service has downgraded the metaphor to a Category 3 Symbol. Area residents and visitors are advised to read all signs closely.

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