24 August 2012

Judge Head’s Other Worst-Case Scenarios

Judge Tom Head.

LUBBOCK, TX -- Lubbock County Judge Tom Head — 2009 recipient of the Judge Learned Hand Foundation prize for “Judge Named after a Body Part Least Likely to Be Described As ‘Learned’” — finds himself the object of national attention this week after hypothesizing about the possible consequences of the reelection of President Barack Obama. According to news reports,
“He’s going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the U.N., and what is going to happen when that happens?” Head asked. “I’m thinking the worst. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. And we’re not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations, we’re talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy.

“Now what’s going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He’s going to send in U.N. troops. I don’t want ’em in Lubbock County. OK. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say, ‘You’re not coming in here’.”
Judge Head later complained that his remarks had been taken out of context, explaining that, as the county’s emergency management director, he is obliged to consider “worst-case scenarios” that would require response from the local government. These include — but are not limited to — tornadoes, epidemic, terrorist attack, and nuclear war.

Asked to share some of the other worst-case scenarios for which Lubbock County should prepare, Judge Head offered several examples.

One source of potential concern.

School board eliminates football program.
“This is just an example of the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that you have to do when you are the emergency management director. I mean, realistically, we know that there is absolutely no chance that the Lubbock I.S.D. is going to eliminate the football program. But if that were to happen, then I would work with the sheriff’s department, place the school board under arrest, and order the entire district under the direction of a well-armed militia and a couple of junior-varsity coaches. Among the civilian population, we would have to expect a certain amount of rioting and possibly armed retaliation, especially until we were able to get the word out that the football program would in fact remain in place, and so we would require security checkpoints, roadblocks, and a curfew of some sort.”

First Baptist opts for sprinkling instead of immersion.
“Obviously we would call in the National Guard, but limited air strikes might be necessary, also.”

That Whataburger over on Quaker Avenue closes.
“Immediately, it would be impossible to get a hamburger at 3 AM on Quaker Ave., unless of course you know somebody who’s awake at that hour who happens to have some hamburger and doesn’t mind cooking it up for you. But it still wouldn’t taste as good as Whataburger, probably, because you need the right kind of mustard. And if you didn’t know anybody who was awake, you might have to drive all the way over to 50th St. In such an event, I would recommend the immediate implementation of martial law.”

Election of a Democrat to public office.
“This requires different responses, contingent on the nature of the office in question. If it’s a local matter, then the sheriff would place the Democrat under arrest, I would declare the election invalid, and we’d hold a new election as soon as possible. If it’s statewide, then obviously we would barricade the county, arm every citizen who isn’t already armed, and secede immediately. I believe I’ve already made clear our policy in case of a national election. Ideally, however, you prevent this kind of situation prior to any election, maybe using voter restrictions or possibly some sort of elaborate redistricting.”

Bill Madison moves back to Texas.
“I don’t even like to think about the possibility of this one, but it’s my duty as a public servant to be prepared for any kind of emergency. What would happen is, you would see the rivers run red with blood and a great darkness cast upon the land unto the seventh generation. Children would be torn from their mothers, cattle would fall sick with murrain, and crops would wither in the fields. This would be a clear sign of God’s disfavor; there’s really no hope after that. So I would call on the sheriff’s department to distribute suicide pills to every U.S. citizen in the county who is able to provide valid identification. We’d probably have to let the Mexicans fend for themselves, poor souls.”

Truly, we love Lubbock: Susan Graham went to school there.

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